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Situation Even Worse
Yellow head
There's no way I can go back to that job, even though I'm in a terrible financial situation. I feel utterly wretched. Last night I set off for work, but as happened the other week, I was filled with such dread and anxiety that I could not go there. Instead I found myself walking the streets, in the dark and cold, until the early hours of the morning. An incredible desolate experience. I ended up walking eight miles out of town, along the Aire valley road, until I reached the hospital. My aim was to get my self admitted to the psychiatric unit there, such was my distress. After waiting an hour, two members of the Crisis Team saw me in Accident and Emergency (ER). I gave them my whole sorry story, emphasising how I've been tormented by thoughts of suicide for months, etc. I gave them every detail. No show though. They didn't feel that I needed to be hospitalised. I was struck dumb by their matter-of-fact attitude, as I was convinced that I was in danger of going through with it. Well, they must have been right, I suppose, as I'm still alive. They merely gave me advice to get a doctor, sort my finances out, and to get another job. They then called and paid for a taxi to take me home at five in the morning.

However, now that the dread weight of that job has fallen away from me, I do feel much better. I've had little sleep. This morning I've been to the job centre, the doctors (just to pick up a form, as I haven't registered in this town yet), and the bank (terrible news). Somehow, I've got to find at least a hundred pounds a month, just to pay off the charges on my debt. If I don't do this, the situation will spiral completely out of control. And of course, because I've basically made myself unemployed again, I won't be entitled to any benefits for months. My salvation will have to lie on getting my doctor to sign me off sick, money my parents can help me with (basically just pocket money. See how I've been reduced to childhood again), and any money I can make via the internet.

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Welcome back.
You've probably already come to this conclusion, but even though you've been working towards a qualification for a while, it seems that care work really isn't for you. I'm glad the weight is off your shoulders - you could do with one less thing weighing you down.

Childhood can be a comforting place, so take it easy for a while to find your feet again.

I'm sure I can do some aspect of care work, but definately not this job. I am going to be applying for jobs I've seen in the NHS. Much better pay and conditions. Plus I will be looking at other areas of work too.

I agree, care work must be incredibly draining at the best of times. It's no good for you at all in the present situation.It really seems to me that you need and are entitled to much better treatment than you're getting from the NHS and benefits people.
The bank can be held at bay, but you really need to fight your conrer, and get help from the CAB if it's possible in your area. I've had no luck in London, but people in less populated places have had wonderful advice and help from them.

There's a CAB just down the hill I'll be going to.

Hang on in there, as the others have said if the job was making you feel so awful then you made the right desicion to jack it in.

As Lee said, see if you can get some more help and advice regarding the finiancial situation.... if it's really, really bad in terms of debt then you might be able to go declare yourself bankrupt or that new thingy (can't remember what it's called).

You may find your GP is more sympathetic to your depression than the hospital. Are there any support groups around that might be able to help?

Yes, the Crisis Team were pretty hard. These teams were set up to keep hospital admissions down by identifying those who could be better treated in the community. Fair enough, but they shouldn't be treating people as if they were timewasters (which is the impression I got).

delete this comment if it's just a bit too gauche

inbetween telling Esme she cannot 'click on the doggie' (sweetpizza icon) it strikes me that there must be 10 friends of yours who can afford a tenner a month for the forseeable; that is to say we can do something practical & helpful for you while the situation stabalises & it does seem to me although that decisions having been made that things should start to turn around for you.

Re: delete this comment if it's just a bit too gauche

Begging is a new low, but I'm thinking you're probaby right. I could ask for paypal donations from all my adoring fans. Even 50 pence or a dollar would be helpful to me. It all adds up. It's humiliating though.

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