Things continue grim. I'm in the middle of a four night stint at work: eleven hour shifts. It's really not a difficult job, but I dread going there. How far have I fallen in the past couple of years? I get no pleasure out of anything anymore, except sleep. Thinking has become my enemy. Thoughts of death abound. Anytime I see a person killed in a film or a TV programme, I feel a sensation not unlike envy towards them. They are out of it and can feel no more. Which is a shocking state of mind to be in. There is a darkness all around me, which I can feel and taste. It is a continual torment. Walking down the street, I get vague notions of throwing myself in front oncoming traffic. When is this state of mind going to end?