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Yellow head
I've been silent lately, because just I didn't want to talk about recent events. I have written previously about my struggle with depression. The last time I wrote about this subject, I mentioned that I was thinking about going back on the anti-depressants, and I now have. I'm not sure I can go into this in any real detail, as I can barely stand to think about it.

Having reached the third and final year of the nursing course, I've found that I'm simply unable to go on. I just cannot do a job that is clearly making me ill. Things will be no better after qualification, in fact they're likely to be worse. I've stumbled from crisis to crisis over the last couple of years, with each crisis being worse than the last. This latest difficulty has completely overwhelmed me, to the point where I can't cope. I've not been into college or on my placement for a couple of weeks. People have been trying to contact me, but I've disconnected the phone and I'm not answering texts or e-mails. My personal tutor has been round to the house on a couple of occasions, but I've not answered the door. So no one knows where I am or how I am.

However, I'm going to ring the college today and make an appointment to see my tutor. My mental health problems are well known to the college, so I know I'll get a sympathetic hearing. I feel ashamed about my inability to cope. I dread seeing any of my friends from college, as I don't know what I'm going to say.

There's no way I'm going back into nursing after this. I simply can't do the job. I feel despair, because I saw this as my last shot at making something of my life. I can't see anything in the future now, except a kind of blackness.

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Hi, please just accept this as random advice, but I think you should try to complete the course if you possibly can, even if you don't feel able to do the job right now. Perhaps later on in your life, you may feel more able to do the actual job, but anyhow you might at least be able to say you completed the course for now.

I would agree with this, although I can well imagine how impossible it seems. Just finish the feckin' course. It doesn't mean you have to be a nurse, but it's a handy bowstring to have.
Wish I could help,but I can't; except to offer Depressive Solidarity. (All I can see at the moment is that fuzzy black void!) Just try to remember that sometimes you don't feel that way; and the time will come when you actually feel rather better.

Poor you how horrid, sending you love and hugs xxx

Hang on for Springtime and sunshine, and don't worry that you're not making something of your life. You're an artist.

Nursing (Psychiatric nursing, in particular) must be one of the most depressing jobs there are, so I think for someone like you it's a good idea to walk away from it and find something peaceful.

agree with tam. sometimes i guess people who suffer/ed deep depression feel able to work in a profession that treats depression suffers, but this is not always best for your own sanity. it's hard to disconnect. concentrate now on getting yourself better and then you'll feel more able to look for something else later. i wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear your silence here has been due to depression.

I went through a clinical depression 7 or 8 years ago, while I was working as a teacher and studying towards my Cert Ed. I ended up dropping both studies + career and, after a while, started a new life doing something different. For a long time I allowed myself to be eaten away at by a sense of failure about unfinished things and unachieved achievements ... but my life is on a different path now, and I no longer feel ashamed in the slightest. Who can expect you feel anything but this kind of low self-esteem right now, while you are depressed? There is a whole world outside the tunnel and you WILL find your way to it - and that way might eventually be through psychiatric nursing or it might be through your art, or through something you haven't even considered yet. But while you're feeling this bad, try not to put this pressure of expectation on yourself. I hope the meeting with your tutor is helpful and that you are able to take time out to decide what you will feel most comfortable doing.

making, sharing & the British reserve

what you share with us here (and on Flickr) is nothing short of great - and to quote Jonathan Richman "it aint just me who thinks so". I look forward to your drawings, your photographs and your comic pages as a source of inspiration.

I know sharing in this way can sometimes feel very one-way but many of us creative types are less than forthcoming. I tend to only offer a comment if I'm sure I'm not being rude or intrusive.

the world must seem like a hurtful place at the moment but there are people in it who miss you. We may seem to stammer, to be embarrassed by affection BUT: our love is not an illusion

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Please believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it right now.
I know it's hard to feel that way when everything inside of you is telling you that nothing will ever change, but that's the depression talking. Don't believe it.
There will be sunshine and blue skies again.

Hang in there.

hi there darryl
hope you've come away today with something positive.

if you've had that cold/cough that's been doing the rounds, it fucks you up - I've been grumpy for weeks - not right for me & we nopticed that the kids were grumpy when they had it - it's weird - you don't expect something as mundane as a cough to mess you about like that...

personally, i hope you've been pursuaded to continue - & as has been said - you don't have to stick at being a nurse when it's done - but - whatever future lies ahead - the fact that you've done this will a plus... (you might have had a bellyfull of that today... - hmm) ...still - your decision is the one that is important.

anyway - here are a bunch of people who care about you - who want to see you doing well - who would love you to be content (there's a better word here - but i'm not able to quite grasp it).

The sun, the light was lovely - beuatiful today

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so badly - how awful. I would think nursing would be a terribly difficult job when you're prone to depression already. I do have to agree that finishing the course would probably benefit you later, hard as it may seem, since you're so close to the end - since they have been so understanding I'll bet they'll be willing to help you get finished.

But, whatever you do, the experiences you've had are worth a lot. Nothings ever wasted.

And you're a tremendously talented artist. Don't ever give up on that!

I loved your comment some time ago on my OD entry about starting a website for people who've managed to spend their entire lives accomplishing nothing at all. I'll be the first to sign on for that one!

I don't know anything about anything so I'm reluctant to offer advice but I'd guess that it's best not to make any major life decisions while you're ill. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself well and then take a fresh look but try not to burn any bridges in the meantime.

Now, get yourself outside and go for a walk with your camera. Go look at some other stuff instead of staring at the black dog. Nasty, yappy creature. Give it a kick from me.

I love seeing your pictures and comic strips and reading your thoughts & I agree with tam & suzie!

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