January 9th, 2009

diversion sign

Tall Guy in Limbo

I find life hard, don't you? I can't say that I'm very unhappy or depressed, but the future appears as bleak and grey as the winter's day I'm writing this on. I find myself looking out of the window, down the valley and across the colourless town I live in, to see lots of dull brown roofs and a white sky dotted with crows. The place has all the charm of a rotting tooth or an overflowing ashtray. It's grim up North. Or at least it is here in this particular section of the Pennines.

I wish I could move away to a decent place where there's creative life and interesting people to talk to. Here there's nothing. My interests and intelligence make me look like a freak to to the people who live around here. Being an outsider was another reason why I ran foul of my previous employers and got the sack. The management there were very judgemental, I found. One particular boss clearly thought there must be something wrong with me. A middle-aged man who doesn't have a wife, a girlfriend, any children, and even worse lives with his parents. Clearly abnormal.

The thing is that I acutely feel that failure. I do feel abnormal. What's eating me alive is the sense of an unfulfilled life. Isolation, loneliness, and poverty are the subjects I've majored in during my 48 years on this earth. A deep fear of rejection and the strong belief that I was worthless, has kept me from forming anything but the most superficial relationships with women.

If it wasn't for my parents I'd be homeless and living on the streets. I've utterly failed to make anything of my life.

Is it really my fault though? I didn't choose to be who I am. I've had to live the best I could with the hand I've been dealt with. Anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, self-hatred, and intelligence are the cards I've been obliged to play with. These elements are written into my DNA and are therefore unchangeable. After decades of trying, I can't fool myself anymore that my personality will ever be anything different. The cold, hard reality of my life is that the future is more likely to be a continuation of the past, than anything positive or different.