October 22nd, 2007

Yellow head

Situation Even Worse

There's no way I can go back to that job, even though I'm in a terrible financial situation. I feel utterly wretched. Last night I set off for work, but as happened the other week, I was filled with such dread and anxiety that I could not go there. Instead I found myself walking the streets, in the dark and cold, until the early hours of the morning. An incredible desolate experience. I ended up walking eight miles out of town, along the Aire valley road, until I reached the hospital. My aim was to get my self admitted to the psychiatric unit there, such was my distress. After waiting an hour, two members of the Crisis Team saw me in Accident and Emergency (ER). I gave them my whole sorry story, emphasising how I've been tormented by thoughts of suicide for months, etc. I gave them every detail. No show though. They didn't feel that I needed to be hospitalised. I was struck dumb by their matter-of-fact attitude, as I was convinced that I was in danger of going through with it. Well, they must have been right, I suppose, as I'm still alive. They merely gave me advice to get a doctor, sort my finances out, and to get another job. They then called and paid for a taxi to take me home at five in the morning.

However, now that the dread weight of that job has fallen away from me, I do feel much better. I've had little sleep. This morning I've been to the job centre, the doctors (just to pick up a form, as I haven't registered in this town yet), and the bank (terrible news). Somehow, I've got to find at least a hundred pounds a month, just to pay off the charges on my debt. If I don't do this, the situation will spiral completely out of control. And of course, because I've basically made myself unemployed again, I won't be entitled to any benefits for months. My salvation will have to lie on getting my doctor to sign me off sick, money my parents can help me with (basically just pocket money. See how I've been reduced to childhood again), and any money I can make via the internet.