August 1st, 2007

Yellow head

(no subject)

It's been a long time since I've suffered such unrelieved stress and anxiety. Suffer, suffer, suffer.

I'm typing this at the library because, once again, I'm unable to get online at home. My brother randomly cuts me off whenever he feels like tormenting me further. A new tactic is to turn up his TV or music as loud as possible most of the day. I get no rest or respite, because he never goes out more than half an hour at a time. I'm living on the edge of a razor blade, constantly boiling with frustration and anger. I've been living from day to day, wondering each morning how I'm going to make it though another 24 hours, without going completely insane. This must show in my face, as the other morning he actually asked me whether I was mad? I'm not yet, but wonder how much longer I can live under such stress, without cracking up. I can feel my sanity giving under the strain.

Still no money coming in. My jobseeker's allowance is under review after being stopped, due to the belief that I wasn't entitled to it. Hardship allowance was also turned down whan I applied for that. I'm having to dig deep into my overdraft in order to survive. According to my mother, my brother believes I'm holding back on the rent I owe him. Hence his unbelievble spitefullness, I suppose. I'm thousands of pounds in debt and can't pay my credit card fees. I've no money to move on to another flat. I'd need at least a thousand pounds for the deposit and a months rent (manditory these days).

I've just got to steel myself and hope the efforts I've made will pay off before too long. I'm in the process of joining a nursing agency and so should have actual work before to long.