March 18th, 2007

Yellow head

Some Family Problems

The powerful idea came into my mind that I would kill myself while I was in London. I've often thought that, throwing yourself from the top of the Great Court in the British Museum, would be something of a statement. This is one of my favourite places in the capitol. There's a really scary drop to the immaculate white marble floor far below. I always have problems walking over the green-glass bridge up there. I have to concentrate really hard not to look down when I'm passing over it and into the main body of the museum.

Of course I did no such thing in the end. The clouds passed as they always seem to do when I'm in these dark periods. I'm back now in Newark. My brother is in hospital, having a mass of tests. My brother's health is a complicated thing. He has Marfan's Syndrome: a rare genetic disorder which affects his whole body; heart, lungs, skeletal structure, etc. But this has been compounded by secret drinking. My mother is here at the house and she found around twenty empty bottles of Vodka under his bed. My brother, Lee, has admitted to having had this problem for some time.

The other issue with Lee, is that he's very manipulative and controlling. Living with him has been like living in a police state. For years I've recognised him as being a borderline personality disorder. It's kind of understandable, considering the severe health problems he's had all his life that he should respond to others this way, but I find it difficult to deal with. I didn't realise before I came here, that Lee would be this difficult to live with. I can deal with these problems on the wards, but in my home and with my own family, I'm too close to it. One of the reasons I just got up and walked out.

As soon as my mother arrived here, Lee reverted back to childhood, refusing to eat, drink or wash himself. When he began to cough up blood, my mother rang the ambulance.