April 21st, 2006

Yellow head

Some Daylight

It seems that I'm gradually coming out of the black depression of recent weeks and moving back to something like life. After disconnecting my phone and not answering either texts or emails for weeks, I've begun communicating again. Friends from college have been trying to contact me, knowing that something was wrong, but only in the past few days have I begun to respond. I've simply been unable to talk about the situation up to now, because I was so overwhelmed by feelings of embarrassment and shame. Mundane events, such as a trip to Tescos, have been major ordeals for me, due to the fear that I would meet someone from the hospital or college. What would I say to them? I didn't know.

Things could hardly have been more serious. People get sectioned under the Mental Health Act, for much less than what I've been been considering recently. Jumping from the flyover seemed like a reasonable option (this is hard to explain, but I was kind of looking forward to it). I'd been gradually sorting my affairs out, in order to not leave too much of a mess after my suicide. However, before I managed to complete this process, the situation began to change.

Spring arrived. It was a sunny day. The blossom appeared on the trees. My birthday arrived, and a female friend made me a chocolate cake. All fairly trivial things, but it all added up to a change in both my mood and view.

Yesterday I went into college to see my personal tutor. He was extremely sympathetic. The college are willing to give me extreme leeway, and I was offered a couple of options: I could rejoin the class, with no pressure to complete any assignments (which would be deferred), or I could take a few months out and restart the third year again in September. I've also decided that I would take advantage of the college counselling service.

I told my tutor that I didn't feel that I could make a decision immediately. I still feel very fragile. I'm due to see him again next week on the same day I'll be seeing my doctor to review my medication. I suspect the doc will want to up the anti-depressants, which I'm not too keen on, but I'll abide by whatever is decided.