April 14th, 2006

Yellow head

About Recent Events

I've been silent lately, because just I didn't want to talk about recent events. I have written previously about my struggle with depression. The last time I wrote about this subject, I mentioned that I was thinking about going back on the anti-depressants, and I now have. I'm not sure I can go into this in any real detail, as I can barely stand to think about it.

Having reached the third and final year of the nursing course, I've found that I'm simply unable to go on. I just cannot do a job that is clearly making me ill. Things will be no better after qualification, in fact they're likely to be worse. I've stumbled from crisis to crisis over the last couple of years, with each crisis being worse than the last. This latest difficulty has completely overwhelmed me, to the point where I can't cope. I've not been into college or on my placement for a couple of weeks. People have been trying to contact me, but I've disconnected the phone and I'm not answering texts or e-mails. My personal tutor has been round to the house on a couple of occasions, but I've not answered the door. So no one knows where I am or how I am.

However, I'm going to ring the college today and make an appointment to see my tutor. My mental health problems are well known to the college, so I know I'll get a sympathetic hearing. I feel ashamed about my inability to cope. I dread seeing any of my friends from college, as I don't know what I'm going to say.

There's no way I'm going back into nursing after this. I simply can't do the job. I feel despair, because I saw this as my last shot at making something of my life. I can't see anything in the future now, except a kind of blackness.